12 mn of December 3rd

Photo courtesy risleys.tumblr.com

It was 12:19 am of December 3rd, as I stare at my laptop thinking of what story I want to tell as a final project on one of my major subject.

But then I got caught up in the moment as I received a message from the person I look up to in the sport that I once loved but also left a big scar on my heart that is still painful as ever no matter how many different types of band aid I put, no matter how much I try to use escapism to protect my own emotion as a defense mechanism. I can't help but shed some tears knowing that few hours from now its the competition already and I am not competing. As if I am ghost from the past that nobody recognizes, that nobody cares about.

The message was short but precise as a reply to my message wishing the person that I idolize a good luck, when I once dream of competing with her together as a team. But knowing that she will be going out there with me in her heart made me really tear up.

Do you know how hard it is for me to accept it? araw-araw... araw- araw iniisip ko kung bakit? anong ginawa ko? anong pagkukulang ko? Alam mo yun? hindi ko maisip kung bakit? Most of my friends made some days a little better pero pag mag-isa na ko? andun pa rin yung feeling na kahit sa dinami-dami nang mga salitang pwedeng magpagaan sa nararamdaman ko, mababalot' mababalot pa rin ako nang awa at galit sa sarili ko. Kung may tao lang na pwedeng magsabi sakin kung anong nagkulang bakit ganun nangyari para alam ko naman na sa pagkakataon na to kung bakit hindi ako pinili, na sana isang araw matanggap ko na may nakalaan pa saking mas maganda at talagang para sakin dahil hangga't hindi ko nasasagot yun, lagi kong kekwestyunin na kung bakit hindi ko mapatawad yung sarili ko sa mga bagay na dapat ginawa ko at mga bagay na hindi ko ginawa, na sana... isang araw.. isang araw matanggap ko na.