Game Over

Ma, I don't feel like doing this anymore

I'm doubting myself, I don't know when it started... I kinda felt it one night and it still continues to go through my thoughts every once in a while. I could still remember how the drought was like and how thirsty I am to prove something to myself and those who criticize my abilities, way back when I was still starting. 

The dedication of my old self to accomplish lots of things was rising so high that I can clearly see how badly I fell from the top that I couldn't keep up anymore of what's happening around me. I tried to strategize my way through the depths of the slow misery that's eating up the inside of me but in this case, I can't seem to get up. 

Even though I gamble, I know I'm gonna lose... so why should I still gamble and waste moments that I could invest in other things that could benefit me way better than my current situation and could possibly have a faster progress and won't drain my resources. I used to love it before, but now? I just go for the sake of "going".

I know, I'm gonna lose naman with the strategy I was supposed to be working but can't pull back myself together kaya I won't gamble anymore.

I guess, the amount of time I've invested is already enough, I've endured so much from a system that I thought was going to get better as time pass by, its already 2019 ilang taon na ba nakalipas. There's nothing happening, maybe that's why it's also hard for me to keep myself up together and grab every piece of me when I'm already at "that" stage. When you just really want to give up everything you've worked for, you won't be able to get because there are no sight of any hopes that can make up to my troubled self.

When I get asked by people who do the same thing as I do, but still has an ample motivation about it then asks what's happening to me - I answer "I don't know, maybe I've waited for so long already" the thing is I can wait, wag lang masyadong matagal. I can't wait my whole life you know. I can tell that this is just a phase that I could probably get over after a few years but the problem is I'm living in the present and I have no time machine to control - to fast forward and skip the hard parts and put in slow motion the good ones.

Here are some words that I find relatable and gave some reflections too

"Until you heal the wounds of your past, you are going to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex; But eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories and make peace with them." —Iyanla Vanzant#ThingsItTakesAWhileToUnderstand

I saw this at the page "Artidote" and then I realize... it strikes me and my situation. Yes, its true I bandage the bleeding with food, with sleep, with staring at a blank space, with reading and etc. Because I can't find my way out, I'm so lost on what to do.

Morning Monologues
By: Riva Emerald

"Giving up too soon?" asked my alter ego.

"Yeah. I tried. And I couldn't try anymore." I answered. Then added, "I'm too bruised. Too hurt. Too pained to even try."

"So you're quitting?" she asked again.

"Yes," I answered firmly.

"But remember that 'winners never quit and quitters never win'."

"I know but you should remember, too, that there are battles worth losing. And I guess this is one." 

I'd find a way, either to really give everything up now or slowly make my out and quit and accept my defeat of my own self. 2% of me is still fighting, comparing it to the amount of me who wants to quit is a very huge difference that we all know which part of me is gonna win.

And I don't think that's a selfish want, I really don't

I'm not saying that I have this capacity

Because it's hard to develop that capacity on your own

When you're being stopped at every turn

This is probably from a movie(?) If I am not mistaken but it has always been on Bastille's intro their song "Fake it" and I am so fascinated how perfect are these lines are to what I'm feeling. I don't think its a selfish want to give up something you've been doing for years because I guess its probably time to hang it up and go on somewhere bigger. There's no hope I tell you, but it's not because I'm a pessimist but it's because it's how our system works and will continue to work until God knows when.

If you aren't going all the way, why go at all

Sweat and Intensity is what I've always felt before, now I'm just like a robot who enters - sweats and leaves. Doing things with no emotion and does it for the sake of for proving other people what they wanna see in me, but not proving something to myself anymore. It's hard you know because I feel lost inside myself and I as I've said earlier, I don't why or when it happened it just suddenly went inside my head. I've been used to having the ace card with in different situations because I've always, always... planned everything thoroughly, lahat naka latag for myself, that I prepared as well and I have always thought - To: Self "Don't worry I got it all under control" But the control can't seem to be found at the moment when I needed it the most.

These are probably different sides of myself talking to each other.

I've also talked to my mom about it, she well supports every decision that I make and I'm really glad that she's always been there through my winning and loosing times.Don't worry Mom, I'm gonna get through this, it's just I really feel black and unhappy for the past few days or probably months?  I don't know probably ever since I left the States last January I suddenly felt blue then went to black because I guess I'm scared that my 2019 won't be able to keep up with all the best things that happened to me in 2018 but yeah I know I can't have it all but I will try my best to pull myself back up and possibly make a plan when I feel like it, but it's definitely not yet today... Thank you for being there all the time.

With that being said, thanks for taking some of your time to read this post.

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Bastille has always been a great band that lets me feel what I wanna feel, and made me write this blog post. If you reading this post have an extra time go listen to some of their songs they are really a great band with amazing songs (These Streets, Weight of Living, Fake it, The Draw)